What do I mean by inner rebellion
Anarchy for me is about disrupting your own inner constructs. It is more a spiritual experience. Blow up what you think is you, to discover your who, hiding behind the echoes of others.
I align with Anarchy, but I have come to feel I don't wish to label myself 'an actual Anarchist' not because I fear the label, but because when we label ourselves we then try to live by that label. The label becomes a religion. I do not wish to be religious about one thing. So many things inspire my mind.
Anarchy is about liberation and freedom. I don't wish to preach about Anarchy or convert others to Anarchy. I talk and write about it because it interests me and I have embraced its philosophy in my self healing.
Anarchist Emma Goldman (1869- 1940) sums it up for me;
'Anarchism, then, really stands for the liberation of the human mind from domination of religion; the liberation of the human body from the domination of property; liberation from the shackles of restraint of government. Anarchism stands for social order based on the free grouping of individuals for the purpose of producing real social wealth; an order that will guarantee to every human being here access to earth and full enjoyment of the necessities of life, according to the individual desires tastes and inclination.'
I have taken Anarchy within. To deconstruct the way I thought I should be living.
I thought it was about bigger, better, faster, power, influence, money, control numbing out (all perhaps seen as your inner Government).
But despite trying to 'succeed' in this way, where I had been told it would land me in the promised land of Successville, I felt empty and lost, constantly chasing something I could never seem to reach.
'When I have money I will buy myself I super posh handbag'. I never bought a super posh handbag, but I did purchase some super posh stuff I hadn't been able to afford before. It felt good at first. But it still kept me in a place of lack. Because I could still see things I would tell myself I couldn't afford.
So I questioned.
What do I actually need?
What do I actually want?
My answers were. I need to feel complete with who I am and I want to be able to pay for my childrens education at Summerhill.
I want freedom, I want to make art, I want to write, I want to be at peace with who I am.
I climbed down from my tree of falseness.
And started throwing the metaphorical anarchist bombs on the capitalist culture I had been sold and I had built within.
I had been lied to. I had lied. It was time for truth.
I had very little trust for life so I was constantly trying to control it. It occurred to me all I had desired had come to me, I just wasn't recognising them.
So I thought, if I can manifest where I thought I wanted to be only to discover it was where I didn't want to be then, I could manifest where I really wanted to be.
Each day I stripped back, layer upon layer. It was uncomfortable and challenging there was so much I found hard to let go of. I would look deeply at each undoing and ask how does this serve me now?
I have reached a place of peace within myself. But it is a continual process, spooks jump out at me from time to time, testing me on a zen lesson to see how I can liberate myself from it. Before, these happenings would have consumed so much space and would have taken years, months, days, hours to step away from. For me now the lesson can be learned almost spontaneously, without investing too much thought or energy. It is becoming second nature. A dance with life.
"If I can't dance to it, it is not my revolution." Emma Goldman
Installation Artwork; Matter of the Memory. A piece from 2007.
"Mind and matter became two separate spheres one alive and one dead."